


school rivalries (or not)

by itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)



Series: pff bingo 2019 [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Guns (sort of), Happy Ending, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, PJ Liguori's POV, kind of??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 23:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21089351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualweeb/pseuds/itsmyusualphannie
Summary: how PJ took over the schoolaka the mostly-crack fic where PJ becomes a high school gang boss because Dan and Phil are too busy making out in dark theatre rooms to do their jobs





	school rivalries (or not)

**Author's Note:**

> happy ten years to our favourite idiots (ಥ﹏ಥ)
> 
> written for the prompt "in-laws" for the phandom bingo fest 2019. clearly i just went wild with that. betaed by [kei](https://irlsero.tumblr.com/)!

The kid stared wide-eyed at PJ for a good ten minutes before PJ finally gave in. He waved away the henchmen hovering behind him as he had been devouring his lunch, then he reluctantly motioned the kid forward. He was _t__iny_, PJ noted, although he couldn’t be much younger than PJ. They were both in Year 11, after all.

The kid’s blond hair even seemed to bristle attentively when he hurriedly sat at the table across from PJ, his eyes even wider now that he had been acknowledged. “Hi,” he said in a partial squeak, then coughed and tried again. “Um. Hi.”

PJ glanced him up and down and sighed deeply. The kid _did_ have potential - Louise wouldn’t have recommended him for no reason. “Hey. Tyler, is it?”

If possible, the blond’s eyes grew even wider at the realization that PJ, overlord and ruler of the biggest gang in school, knew his name. His voice definitely squeaked this time. “Yes?”

PJ glanced down at his unsatisfactory meal of mashed taters and gravy, then mournfully took another bite. It was too bad he had decided to eat the same thing as his minions - it wouldn’t do to lord over them, after all. It was the little things that counted. “You’re new here, aren’t you?”

Tyler nodded hastily. “My family moved in the middle of the school year, so I just started here a few days ago.”

“You got in with the right people at school here pretty quickly,” PJ noted and chewed on some more taters. They really were just flavourless mush. The gravy didn’t help much.

“I…?” Tyler hesitated. “I helped run a group at my other school.”

“Hmm,” said PJ. He swallowed the bite of food and frowned at his empty bottle of water. It took only a flick of his finger to summon one of the minions inconspicuously drifting nearby, a whisper into her ear, a dash across the room and a dash back, and he had another bottle of water. He tipped it in thanks and then took a few gulps from it. “Good stuff. So, Tyler, what is it you think you can do for me? Why do you want to join?”

“Well,” Tyler ventured, “you always need more members.”

PJ waved a dismissive hand. “Irrelevant. Everyone at school wants to join me, ever since the main ones melded to create mine. Subservience costs little. I want something…” and here he leaned forward, and let his gaze become piercing as it met Tyler’s, “...unique.”

“Ah,” chirped Tyler, but there was a ring of white around his irises.

PJ sat back and smiled. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have bothered even trying to talk to me if you weren’t prepared.”

“I...am,” said Tyler, and squared his shoulders. “I have prepared. I mean, I do have something I think you need.”

“Do tell.”

Tyler took a deep breath. “Well, I haven’t been here long enough to take full stock of the entire situation, but from what I’ve seen, I think I’ve discovered what’s most in-demand. The item that’s hardest to get, yet constantly confiscated by teachers. It’s not cheap, either.”

PJ felt a bubble of grudging respect rise up his chest, not at Tyler’s observation skills, but at his shift from a nervous wreck to a still-nervous-but-fully-prepared-to-bargain wreck. He thumped his palm against his chest a few times to disperse the bubble. “Ah, have you now? Impressive, I suppose. Anyone could find that out, though. You’d just have to come across a gang battle.”

Tyler’s lips fell open a little at “gang battle,” but he pressed on. “It’s not just that. You see, my dad’s the manager of that new store downtown. And…” here he paused for effect, “he’s asked me to work there after school.”

PJ could feel a reluctant smile making its way across his face. This...this, he could work with. “Hmm, I see. What’s your discount?”

“Fifty percent.”

Nodding slowly, PJ thought carefully about the veiled proposition. “I like your style, kid. We might be able to hammer something out.”

Tyler looked a bit offended at the moniker but seemed to shrug it off as he leaned intently toward PJ. “First,” he said in a whisper, “before we decide on any details, I want to know something first.”

PJ took a sip from his water bottle and raised an amused eyebrow. The only people who were close enough to overhear anything from this conversation were his most trusted minions, but he doubted Tyler would say anything that important anyway. “Yes?”

“Well, two things,” Tyler amended. He hesitated, then ploughed ahead. “Is it true that your older sister married Phil Lester’s older brother?”

PJ’s other eyebrow rose. “Yes. Well, they’re engaged. What of it?”

If possible, Tyler leaned even closer. The side of the table _had _to be cutting into his stomach at this point, PJ mused, and these lunchroom tables weren’t all that comfortable to even look at, much lean intently against.

“How did you become head of this school-wide clique? I’ve heard a few whispers about Phil Lester and Dan Howell, the previous heads of rivals cliques here. How did you get control from them?”

“Ah. I see.” PJ smiled now, a genuine one pulled forth by the sincerity of Tyler’s questions. He supposed, from an outsider’s perspective, it was strange. “That’s easy to tell. You see, their followers abandoned them all at once. It was devastating for them, truly.”

Tyler seemed more confused. “But...they don’t seem bothered. They seem,” he considered the word for a few moments, then admitted, “happy. Like they don’t even care that they entirely lost their cliques.”

“Just say gangs,” PJ said dismissively. “It doesn’t matter, in any case, we’re the only real gang at this school now. We only fight against other schools at this point.” He regarded his water bottle, his brows furrowing, and then they smoothed out as he laughed quietly. “You see, since Phil’s practically my brother-in-law now, I can’t exactly abandon him - imagine the family dinners! And Dan just comes along with that.”

“But…” Tyler looked frustrated. “On my very first day, when Louise started talking to me, she said that Dan and Phil were like the rival overlords of the entire school and you started out as Phil’s right-hand man. How did you…? And how did they end up now like…” He made an indecent gesture, and PJ laughed loudly now. One of his hench people stood up in alarm, but he waved them down.

“Ah, Tyler. You’re so new here, but I can tell that you’re clever. What do you suppose happened? They were rivals, but now they’re not, and their rival gangs have abandoned them.”

“I guess…” Gaze uncertain, Tyler hazarded, “They made up, and their followers didn’t like it, so they left them?”

“More like made out!” PJ chortled and slapped the table in his burst of amusement. He had been right, the table was not comfortable. “God, okay. I guess I should just tell you what happened.”

Tyler shifted in anticipation, his eyes hungry with eagerness. PJ approved. This kid would probably make a great informant, the way he devoured information like this. It would be better that he heard this story from PJ, though, since there was no knowing what others might tell him.

“The rivalry started the first time Dan and Phil laid eyes on each other when Phil accidentally tripped Dan so Dan punched him in the face. Their friends, and then followers, flocked around them both through the following years, all agreeably despising those on the opposing side. Their groups grew and grew until someone initiated the first battle, and it was war from then on. We kept it on the down-low, though, to avoid the teachers. It was beautiful, back then.

“Then came their downfall.”

“You’re _dead_, Liguori,” came a hiss from behind PJ as he settled into his desk.

PJ cast an innocent smile over his shoulder, which only widened when he caught sight of his classmate’s limp blonde-and-pink curls and her furious expression. “Oh, hullo, Louise. I didn’t see you when I walked in. How are you?”

A putrid scent drifted toward him when she spoke. “You set the bomb in my locker, you dick, you know perfectly well how I am.”

Delicately waving his hand in front of his face, PJ blinked slowly. “Dear me, I believe you need to take a shower.”

“_Fuck y _\- ” she started, but didn’t get to finish as their instructor entered the room.

“Good afternoon,” the teacher chirped as he set his bag on the desk.

“Good afternoon,” a few students obediently droned back.

PJ used the time while the teacher set up to check his phone for messages. He typed out a few brief replies to fellow members’ inquiries about the meeting this afternoon, then opened his chat with Phil and sent a quick _ ‘U were right, she went by her locker right b4 class. smells gr8 in here. slight regrets lol” _

The door thudded against the wall as another student walked in. PJ’s head snapped up, immediately attentive. He _always _noticed when this student was late.

“Good afternoon, Dan,” said their teacher, a little terse, as he always was when someone walked in after him.

PJ had never known it was possible for someone’s eye roll to be _ loud_, but Dan’s practically screamed at their teacher as he crossed the room and dropped into the desk beside PJ. He scowled when he caught PJ glancing at him and lifted two fingers in a succinct gesture.

PJ shrugged and went back to his phone. Phil had replied with a _ “lol wb dan” _ so PJ typed out _ “just walked in. looks his usual mad af self but nothing. did u not get him?” _

There was no reply. PJ frowned down at his phone until the teacher began lecturing and he had to tuck it away.

“I’m here!” announced PJ as he threw open the door to Phil’s room. He had let himself in through the back door, received a cheery wave from Phil’s mum, and trotted upstairs. The other gang members wouldn’t here for at least another thirty minutes, and judging by the rich chocolate scent wafting throughout the house, Phil’s mum was making cookies for everyone. PJ sometimes wondered if Kathryn knew that Phil was literally running a gang at school with dozens of members.

“Hrnh,” said Phil into his pillow, a muffled reply to PJ’s exuberant greeting. He was lying facedown on his bed, the spread crumpled around him. PJ sighed deeply upon seeing him.

“Phil. Come on, we need to have a pre-meeting before everyone else gets here.” The bed sank beneath him as he sat next to Phil and patted him comfortingly on the back. “It’s okay, I know you’re upset because you didn’t get Dan this afternoon as we planned. We can plan something else today. Want another gang battle? Those always cheer you up.”

Phil tore himself from PJ’s pats with a ferocity that almost shocked PJ. _ Almost_.

“I don’t want a _ battle_,” Phil snapped, throwing himself off the bed and pacing by the window. He looked distraught, and it was unsettling. PJ blinked at him.

“Well,” said PJ. “What _ do _ you want?”

Phil stopped pacing and turned toward PJ. His eyes were drawn, tired. He dropped back onto the bed, his hands covering his face. “Are you ever...tired of the same old thing, year after year? Do you ever want to just...stop?”

PJ carefully considered Phil’s words. He wasn’t quite sure what Phil was talking about, but as Phil’s right-hand man _and _best friend, he had to think long and hard before answering. Whatever Phil was talking about, it seemed to be important. Maybe he meant the pranks. It _was _tiresome coming up with unique ways to trick Dan or Louise, Dan’s right-hand woman, or any of Dan’s other numerous followers, but they were just filler activities between the main battles. The big gang battles were the main events and what everyone in the gangs looked forward to.

“Get tired of what?” PJ finally asked, cautiously.

“_ God_,” said Phil, and drew a hand across his face. His eyes looked hooded when they reappeared. “I don’t know,” he eventually said. “I’m just tired, I guess.”

“Exams _are _coming up,” PJ offered sympathetically.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s just stress. Let’s just...let’s just plan for the next ambush attack.” Phil laughed, but it was a little too shrill, a little too throwaway.

PJ resolved to watch him carefully from then on.

“Of course,” said PJ, “that was just when Phil brought up his doubts to me. I’m sure he’d been thinking about it for a long while before that. He was sort of right, though.” He shook his head regretfully. “I was so naive back then. All I could think about were pranks and gang battles.” 

Waving a hand in demonstration, he gestured to the chattering students around them. “Look at them all eating their lunches. They never really know what’s going on around them. They never really know what we supply until they need something.” 

He took another sip of his drink. “Only a week after Phil had that outburst, there was a huge warning sign that I should have noticed. But I was oblivious, utterly dedicated to Phil. I didn’t see anything until it was too late.”

Tyler listened intently.

_ “in position?” _PJ texted.

He waited a few moments, and then the group chat flashed with message after message. _ “Ready here” “we’re set” “in position!” _

Pleased, PJ closed out the app and dialled Phil. He raised the phone to his ear, waiting only a moment before Phil picked up.

“You ready?”

Phil’s voice was tinny on the other end. “Uh, yeah. I can’t see you, but I’m across the street behind the hedges.”

“You said they’d be crossing in about five minutes?”

A pause. “Yeah,” said Phil.

“Great! We’re all ready.” PJ hung up and laughed under his breath, sliding the phone into his pocket. They had been planning this ambush attack for almost a week, and it was a relief to finally put it into action. Phil had still seemed hesitant after his outburst, but PJ had been relieved to see him throw himself into the planning with his usual vigour.

This ambush had been a little less difficult than usual - Phil apparently had a mysterious informant somewhere in Dan’s gang and was so careful to hide their identity that even PJ didn’t know who they were. PJ only knew that Dan had his bi-monthly gang meetings somewhere around here, but now thanks to this informant, Phil had learned that this was the route they took. The group obviously switched it up every few months, but this time PJ had a feeling that they would get lucky. After all, yesterday one of Dan’s lackeys had smugly sidled past PJ in the hall and dropped a slug down his shirt. Revenge would be sweet.

A few minutes passed in silence, PJ’s phone still and quiet in his pocket. Then another few passed. PJ’s thighs began to cramp in his crouched position, so he shifted a bit until he was more comfortable. A bird chirped somewhere across the street.

PJ’s phone buzzed. He yanked it out with urgent fingers, but it was just a message from his sister about her date last night. He swiped it away with a roll of his eyes, then pursed his lips thoughtfully and opened up the group chat.

_ “any sight?” _

Rapid negative responses filled the screen. PJ frowned and glanced at the phone’s clock. It was only a few minutes after Phil’s time estimate, but even that was strange. Phil was rarely wrong.

_ “heard anything from your spy?” _ he sent to Phil. A long minute passed before he received a simple _ “no” _ as a response.

“Goddamnit,” he said aloud and then continued waiting.

It took another twenty minutes, with aching thighs and impatient shuffling, before PJ gave up. He huffed loudly as he stood from behind his stout bush, then called down the street, “Come on out, everyone!”

A disgruntled group emerged from an open garage, another from the cars parked along the side of the road, and further down the street, a few more people. A few moments passed before Phil also stood, his expression downcast as he surveyed his despondent followers.

PJ crossed the street in a dozen quick strides, clapping his friend on the back. “Don’t look so dejected, it happens,” he muttered, then raised his voice so everyone else could hear, “It’s a bust, sorry everyone! We got some bad information. Come on, let’s go to the coffee shop next to the library and re-plan!” He then hastily turned to Phil. “Is that okay?”

“What?” Phil had been glancing at his phone. He slid it back into his pocket with a nonchalant shrug. “Um, yeah. Let’s go.”

PJ eyed him with a frown but obediently fell in behind him as they all started down the street toward downtown. They could make another plan, a better plan. Phil would be fine.

“Yeah, at that point I _was _lying to myself,” PJ mused. “I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself, much less to anyone else.”

“Did you ever confront him?” Tyler asked.

A burst of air wheezed forth from PJ as he laughed helplessly. It took a few long moments before he was able to regain his breath. “God, oh my - god. Yeah, but no. It’s more like I was slapped in the face with it. And it happened only two weeks later.”

“I need volunteers,” said PJ’s art teacher. He received approximately zero volunteers, and in fact, no acknowledgement that he had even spoken.

“PJ!” barked the instructor. PJ hastily closed his textbook over the phone which he had been using to type out another message that would be ignored by Phil.

“Yes?” he began in an overly sweet tone, but was drowned out by the teacher’s announcement of, “...and Louise! Both of you, come up here.”

PJ and Louise exchanged the appropriate sneers as they reluctantly joined their teacher at the front of the room. He handed them each a massive poster board and stepped back, dusting his hands with a satisfied expression. PJ determinedly did not stagger under the weight of the board when he noticed Louise hoisting it with ease.

“Excellent,” said the teacher. “Take these to the theatre room, if you will. It’s just down the hall, so it shouldn’t take long at all. I expect you back in less than five minutes.”

PJ and Louise jostled each other as they left the room.

“_Just down the hall_,” PJ could hear Louise mocking as they trudged down the empty hall. “We _do _know where the theatre room is, we’re not incompetent. _ Five minutes._”

PJ felt a rush of comradery but ruthlessly quelled it. It would not do to joke around with Dan’s right-hand woman, no matter how much they mutually disliked their art teacher or how accurate her mockery was.

They reached the theatre room in only a minute. PJ managed to fumble for the handle and shoulder the door open, while Louise haughtily stood to the side and allowed him to struggle. PJ attempted to kick it shut as he ducked through, but she was right behind him and shoved him aside with her shoulder so she could get in.

It was dark inside, and PJ was tempted to just dump the poster board on the floor and be done with it, but instead, he leaned it against the wall as he scrabbled for the light switch. The overhead lights flared on and PJ blinked against the sudden change.

“Oh,” said Louise, behind him, and the single word was such a blatant mixture of shock and horror that PJ felt obliged to turn and see what she was reacting to.

“_ Oh_,” he said, instantly regretting turning, and then he hurled the poster board in his hands at the sight before him. It fell only a few feet from PJ and thumped sadly against the floor. “Are you _kidding me _?” hissed PJ.

“Um,” said Dan and Phil in unison. They looked mortified and had every right to be. Phil was already hastily doing up his shirt and Dan was adjusting his trousers.

“You absolute _ wankers,_” PJ snapped, then emphasized, “_fucking prats_.”

Louise’s hands were on her hips and PJ felt a kinship in their mutual glares at the couple still awkwardly sprawled against the costume wardrobe. “I can’t believe you,” she said, her tone outraged. “_You…_?” and she trailed off, choked with rage.

“Look,” said Phil, hands outstretched and gaze earnest. “We meant to - ”

“What?” PJ shrilled. “Were you going to tell us when you invited us to the wedding? You _ prick_, how long has this been going on?”

“I. Four months, but - !”

“_Months_,” said Louise, strangled.

“So!” said PJ. “This is why you’ve been acting shifty lately. You thought...you thought it’d be totally okay to just, I don’t know, keep pitting your loyal subjects against each other while staying out of the crossfire?”

“You didn’t think to _ maybe _ tell us that there wasn’t a point in fighting each other since the bosses are making out in a dark theatre room?” Louise had dropped her hands but they were flexing in rage.

“It’s not like that!” Dan blurted. “We just wanted to - we didn’t want to fight anymore.”

Phil tilted his chin up defiantly and added, “We had a meeting a few months back and decided to tone down the gang stuff. Then it just...led to this.”

PJ was fairly sure his face was purple if it even vaguely resembled Louise’s. He took a few deep breaths to make sure oxygen was getting everywhere it needed to reach. “And you. Didn’t think. To tell us.”

“We were going to!” Phil insisted. “We were just...trying to think of the best way to say it. Everyone was so into it - it’s not like anyone ever got hurt, they were just pranks and a few fights here and there.”

“_ Just pranks_,” said Louise, in so low a voice that even PJ felt a tremble of fear. Dan didn’t quiver under her glare though, just reached out and defiantly linked his hand with Phil’s.

“I wasn’t really doing anything, anyway,” Phil concluded, and waved his free hand at PJ. “You were planning everything, I was just there as a head figure. You don’t need me. You don’t need us.”

“We’re out,” Dan said resolutely.

Louise picked up her board and heaved it across the room. It got a few feet further than PJ’s before it landed heavily, a suspicious cracking noise breaking the silence. “Right,” she said, her chest heaving.

“Right,” PJ repeated. He took a deep breath and reached down to tug up the left leg of his trousers. He retrieved the slender weapon from his ankle holster, then levelled it at Dan and Phil and fired it. Once. Twice.

PJ and Louise stood there for a few long moments, then they glanced at each other and, in unison, turned and left the room. PJ spitefully switched off the light again. They walked back to their classroom in a horrible silence but stopped before going inside.

“Well,” said Louise. “That’s that.”

They looked at each other.

“Ready to take over for Dan?” said PJ.

Louise thought about it. “No,” she said finally. “I don’t think so. I’m better suited at behind-the-scenes work. Will you take over for Phil?”

PJ also thought about it. “No,” he echoed, and then smiled. “I have a better idea.”

“You _ shot _ them?” Tyler’s voice was almost high enough to call forth a pack of dogs.

PJ hoisted his leg up onto the chair beside him and tugged up his trousers, taking out the gun. He handed it to Tyler, whose hands trembled as he took it.

“_Oh_,” he said after a moment.

“Yeah,” said PJ, and took it back. “It’s just a water gun. I sprayed them in the face, though. They probably needed it after all that making out. The water guns are our biggest seller, you know, since they’re what we use to fight other school gangs.”

“So _that’s _how it all started?” asked Tyler, sounding awed.

PJ put the water gun back, then took a bite of his cold potatoes and chewed them slowly, mournful once more at the taste. “That’s how it all started. It was easy to get everyone together once they knew Dan and Phil had dumped all of us and Louise backed me as the new leader. Phil got what he wanted, though. The pranks and the fighting stopped and we went on to bigger and better things, such as smuggling and counterfeiting. Water guns and roasted peanuts are our most popular products right now.”

“And I can get anything you want from a toy store,” said Tyler.

PJ clapped him on the shoulder. What a great kid he had here. He had a feeling Tyler would do amazing things. “And you can get anything we want from a toy store.”

The bell rang. Students rushed from the room as they headed to class, and within seconds, more students escaping their classes entered the room. Some of PJ’s hench people left and were replaced by others as they got their food and subtly arranged themselves in a staggered perimeter around PJ’s table. Both PJ and Tyler stayed seated - PJ because he was uninterested in history class and his decrepit teacher wouldn’t notice if he never arrived, and Tyler because this was his free period.

The doors at the far end of the room thudded open and PJ glanced toward them. With the usual dramatic flair, Dan and Phil strode into the room, their power couple aura emanating throughout it. Heads turned and chatter dwindled as they crossed the room toward PJ and his new lackey.

PJ just watched coolly until they sat on either side of Tyler, trapping him across from PJ. He looked terrified.

“Dan,” said PJ, tone icy. “Phil.”

“PJ,” they said in unison, extraordinarily creepy.

PJ stared at them both, jaw stiff, for a few more long moments before he cracked and released a laugh that bubbled up from his chest. Dan and Phil both broke at the same time, Dan throwing his head back as he chortled and Phil giggling helplessly into one hand.

“Oh god,” PJ finally said, wiping his eyes. “Wow.” He reached across the table to pat Tyler’s hand. “It’s okay kid, you can relax. We’re all cool. It’s just an initiation thing, they like to scare the new guys and make sure they’re fine to join. They might not be the big bosses anymore but they still have the moves.”

Tyler slumped in his seat, visibly relieved, but his eyes were still tight around the edges. “I’m going to regret joining this, aren’t I?” he asked, resigned.

PJ smiled. “Yeah, probably.”

**Author's Note:**

> [reblurg on toomblr yes please](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com/post/188442458725/school-rivalries-or-not)


End file.
